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"Families
plan peace
garden for
victims
of violence"
April 22, 2003 Tuesday, April 22, 2003Families plan peace garden for victims of violence By Kathie Neff Ragsdale Staff Writer Three women sit at a kitchen table in North Andover, smiling and blinking back tears as they describe the words they hope to see engraved on three river stones. "Kathleen Dempsey, 1961 -- 1992," one would read. "Anne Borghesani, 1967 -- 1990," would go on the second. And "Janos Vajda, 1942 -- 1999" would be etched on the third. The stones represent loved ones the three have lost to violence. Kathleen Dempsey, 31, a graphics designer, musician, community volunteer and the daughter of one of the women at the table, Evelyn Tobin of North Andover, was stabbed to death by an intruder Aug. 23, 1992, in her Lexington home. Her assailant was never caught. Anne Borghesani, a Tufts-educated paralegal, aspiring lawyer and cousin of Mary Lou Schaalman of North Andover, was raped and stabbed 21 times on a well-traveled bike path while on her way to a party for her 23rd birthday in Virginia 13 years ago. Her killer was convicted and executed. Janos Vajda, 56, a Holocaust survivor, electrical engineer and father of Bernadett Vajda of Andover, was shot to death by his lover's estranged husband at Holy Family Hospital in Methuen four years ago. His assailant was convicted of voluntary manslaughter and remains in prison. But the river stones represent more than three promising lives cut short. They would be among hundreds of similarly engraved stones in a dry streambed running through the Garden of Peace, a proposed memorial to homicide victims with ties to Massachusetts. The three women are among those helping to organize and raise funds for the 7,000-square-foot memorial, to be located on the plaza between the McCormack and Saltonstall buildings near the Statehouse in Boston. Construction is now underway. The garden is meant to commemorate the lives of those lost to violence, and to provide a place for their loved ones and others to gather for reflection, vigils and meetings. But the three women say they hope it will also draw attention to the enormity of a crime that takes some 20,000 American lives each year. "If the Vietnam Memorial were a memorial to victims of homicide, we would have to build a new one every three years," says Schaalman, who also lost a friend in the 1988 bombing-related crash of Pan Am Flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland. They also want to make others aware of the enduring pain suffered by those who have lost loved ones violently. Tobin remembers questioning whether she even wanted to live after her daughter's death. "Somewhere in the process, you actually make a choice whether to live or not," she says. "It's almost a conscious decision. If you decide yes, then you should make it (your life) mean something." Kathy's death, she adds, "has made me want to change the world in some small way." "People believe that it can't happen to me because my family doesn't live in the city, or my children aren't doing drugs," she adds. "But you can be home alone asleep in your bed." Vajda recalls lying in bed after father's death and thinking, "I could either fall into depression, and everyone would understand, or I could choose to live. It was a huge decision." Schaalman decided to do something on behalf of victims several years after her cousin's death, when she happened to be across the street from the World Trade Center, on a business trip, on Sept. 11, 2001. After witnessing the results of that terrorist attack, "I couldn't just write a check and say supportive things anymore," she says. "I knew I had to do something to participate, to bring to awareness the pain and suffering these families go through. When you see people die violently, it's not abstract anymore." Vajda recalls her feelings when she attended a convention of those who lost loved ones to violence, just two months after her father's death. She found herself sitting next to the father of Sara Pryor, the 9-year-old who disappeared from her Wayland home in 1985, and near Dr. Deborah Eappen, whose infant son was killed by British former au pair Louise Woodward in 1997. "I said, 'Oh my God, I'm one of these people,'" she says. "I was part of 'the community,' as we call it." The three say they find it important that the smooth river stones used in the project will each be different, representing the unique qualities of the victims, and will include only the names and dates of birth and death, so no death is seen as more important than another. The stones are just part of the garden project. The streambed will begin with a circular black granite stone called "Tragic Density" to symbolize the weight of sadness and grief felt by the victims' families. It will end with a trickle of water into a pool, from which will rise a sculpture, "Ibis Ascending," designed by an artist whose son was stabbed to death for his leather jacket. "One of the biggest things for us in the design was safety," says Tobin. "There are no dead ends. Everything flows." The women, all of them Garden of Peace board members, hope to raise money to cover the $1 million cost of the project, and encourage others to send contributions to Garden of Peace, PO Box 8382, Boston, MA 02114. Those who would like stones in memory of a loved one who died violently may also contact the group. The stones cost $100, but inability to pay will not interfere with participating, Tobin says. The memorial is for all victims with Massachusetts ties, whether because they were born in the state, lived or died here. The three say the garden will also help loved ones of victims cope with the loneliness that only those in similar situations can understand. "People who lost loved ones at Lockerbie or on Sept. 11 had an immediate constituency," says Schaalman. "Those who lose a single loved one haven't found that support. That's part of what the garden will hopefully do. "We hope that in raising the memorial, we will be able to raise awareness, support the families, commemorate the victims and, in so doing, change the attitudes and behaviors which tolerate and nurture the violence that takes the lives of so many
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